18.11.2022
tldr: slovene so gender (derogatory) aUGH
thinking about that time a few weeks ago, when we got an email from someone promoting her neuroscience club and in the message throughout she used the ending "x" at the end of verbs. slovene is a very gendered language, and i am but a simple little enby awkwardly stumbling through life, where not even the first person can save me from having to choose refer to myself as either male or female. nouns, like verbs, are gendered. similar to german you just kinda have to remember which gender is what. verbs that are gendered female are typically recognized by the ending "a", for male it's the lack thereof, and neuter is usually reserved more so for objects and animals. the formal version of nouns is gender neutral, but i'm not that old yet haha.
so she starts off her mail with:
"dear neuroscientists (f pl.), dear neutoscientists (m. pl.), dear neuroscientist peeps!
(if anyone doesn't know, x is used for any ending, to be more gender inclusive..."

man, imagine my face, it was the first time i'd seen something like this, it made my day, week even, probably, can't remember. but it sure stuck with me.
i don't really know that many slovene enbies. when asked online about which pronouns we'd use, some pick a side, others use both interchangably, but i never really vibed with either.
on my birthday, some close friends slept over, and i shyly asked my fellow trans friend if he could start using masculine pronouns for me as well, as i slowly started to realize i didn't mind them that much either, sure i was overjoyed when i passed to some old lady, but this was different because these people have known me for years, some for over a decade and a half, and i didn't want to inconvenience them somehow, even though i know it's kinda irrational.
it doesn't feel quite right, but i'm certainly not opposed to it either, the main factor is probably my voice, and by god do i loathe it, and yanno dysphoria in general. yippee. oh well, until i get that smexi T-juice i'm stuck with it. if i ever do. who knows.
close friends use both for me now i guess, but just like,,, half of my close friends
yikes got off topic there.

of course this still doesn't address the problem when speaking the language, pronouncing an x at the end is, uh,,, mmmmmmmno.
i want to start using it when talking online with some close friends who im out to; i honestly kind of forgot about it, don't know how i'd introduce them to the idea either, but i remember that week i'd sometimes sneak in an x here and there, and it felt,
better.