JEFF JEFFERSON BREAKS INTO THE ZOO
It was a wonderful day and Jeff was just deciding what to do. You see, Jeff Jefferson was a peculiar little wizard man. Living in a rather shabby castle which no one knows how it was obtained he often did quite weird and rather annoying things he would call his hobbies. For example he loves stalking people (just last week he stalked a couple that recently opened a zoo), he really enjoys attacking the townspeople with his favourite flashlight and he absolutely adores doing things that could potentially end up with him six feet under, but he really really wanted to try something new today. Arson he should probably avoid considering the fact that the loathsome townspeople might finally snap and start chasing him, god they really did not like him and his innocent hobbies. And suddenly he got the greatest idea in a long long time. Why not visit the newly opened zoo near the town? Oh that truly was an amazing idea. Of course by visiting he meant breaking in, it would be beneath him to actually pay for something. WHen the little man reached the zoo he faced a small problem… How the gremlin poop (because kletvice apparently are not allowed IDK       HELP ME) is he going to break in??? And then he finally remembered that he was actually an aspiring wizard and probably should just fly over the fence of the zoo. He could just hope that he wouldn't land on something for a change. But it seems that history likes to repeat itself as he landed on something. Again. And judging by the humanoid noise emitted by his landing spot it was a person this time. Jeff hastily climbed off his poor victim and started apologising profusely, but stilled when he locked eyes with the unfortunate person. The lovely individual introduced himself as Chad Chadster, a new resident of the town who had also decided to “visit” the zoo. Ah Jeff thought great minds really do seem to think alike. The rather weird duo instantly clicked and decided to explore the zoo together. On their way they freed some animals and one of them was a monkey named Mendel who claimed to be a devoted researcher of biological laws and was generous enough to show them his research (it was just a bunch of smashed peas and poor flies). The trio and the other residents of the zoo had a lovely little dinner with Jeff's favourite kind of food: asian cuisine. Chad and Jeff decided to get some privacy when the dessert arrived and bond over their scandalous doings and crimes and they truly formed quite a tight bond with each other. But alas the day was slowly coming to an end and they did not wish to part yet so they decided to hang around the part of the zoo that controlled all the lights of the buildings and cages. And Jeff just had the most delightful idea… WHY NOT PRACTICE HIS ALREADY HARDLY UNDER CONTROL MAGIC NEAR THE GODDAMN EXPLOSIVE PART OF THE ZOO?? Of course the zoo ended up in flames. Chad and Jeff really loved the whole vibe it gave off and made it even worse with their antics and Jeff's magic, but the townsfolk were kind of enraged… Well it turned out that arson was on the to-do list today and he truly did not regret it. He was just happy he got to spend it with Chaddy dearest. Now he just had to come out alive from the whole ordeal. Can't be that hard right? (Also no animals were harmed during the making of the story… probably).

JEFF JEFFERSON COMMITS ARSON <3
He was on the run. Not too out of the norm for his usual Tuesday afternoon, he or anyone who'd have the unfortunate pleasure of knowing this man would think. As he dodges yet another primitively thrown rock aimed his way, and yet another comically set out vase, he resists the urge to chuckle to himself, not that anyone would hear him, due to the shouting or the fact that he had lost the ability to speak years ago, yet another product of the poor grasp he had on his faulty supernatural abilities. Distracted again, nearly running into a cabbage cart (you know I had to get that in there lmao), his heart-beat and rapid breathing increase once as his adrenaline spikes in tandem with his manic excitement. Oh how he absolutely adored the thrill of the chase!
In the corner of his eye he manages to catch a sliver of a bird, raven perhaps? Maybe a crow. He could never properly tell the difference anyway. Slowing to a jog, it seems he somehow managed to get a decent amount of distance from the furious mob. And before he knew it, he felt the subtle sensation of gritty sand below his feet, signifying he was not too far from home. He passes a brief glance at the murder of crows now perched on the roof of his beloved run down abode, seems they followed him, but he pays no mind and heads inside. Drenched in a ridiculous amount of sweat, he begins to shiver as the adrenaline slowly dies down, perhaps partially from the cold he was suddenly experiencing. It always was a tad drafty in here, one of the many wonderful perks of having a castle by the shore, but who is he to complain, he managed to claim this place free of charge for reasons beyond his comprehension.
Some might say he's borderline addicted to the adrenaline, flirting with death on a regular basis. One of them being the embodiment of said demise itself. Should've known death was bound to show up sooner or later, the insistent cawing of the crows still perched upon his roof and window sill was slowly starting to truly aggravate him.
Lo and behold, without a moment's notice, the roof caves in.
As the ringing in his head dies out he looks around excited, searching, longing for that feeling of dread, the heavy pit in one's stomach that always accompanied his friend's very frequent visits. The ringing in his head came back full force, his vision darkening and loosing colour until he could only make out faint outlines of the shapes surrounding him, then suddenly, as if someone were to bump up the contrast to its maximum the vivid whites in contrast to the black alone were enough to induce a whole new headache on it's own. Death was near.
His skin felt numb and waxy, akin to that of frostbite, yet at the same time he felt as if his blood was reaching boiling temperatures, his muscles ached and his bones felt brittle, as if they could snap at any moment, his body involuntarily shaking. He felt dizzy, paired with the high pitched ringing still reverberating in his head, he could barely look straight at the shifting mass that was slowly approaching him from the depths of who knows where. The hellish symptoms were something he had grown accustomed to over time and so, he shoots the eldritch horror of a being a slow wink and a sad attempt at a charming smile. No effect.
Suppose he liked flirting with death in more than one way. Albeit poorly.
The embodiment of the dreaded concept of everyone's eventual fate had no consistent form, because a concept is a concept and the authors of The riveting adventures of Jeff Jefferson are lazy.
Somehow death returned a look with its multiple horrible eyes, once of mild annoyance in Jeff's professional opinion. The short part-time arsonist was a very much so an intentionally reckless being, yet death itself simply couldn't get a firm grip on this elusive rat, and frustrating it to the nth degree. Waltzing along to the same repetitive song and dance of just barely brushing with death, though to most, death included, it was less knocking upon death's door and more so aggressive attempts at busting down said door with a battering ram. It had become a regular occurrence every now and then, something one could grow used to over time. If it would've been just that. Instead it's as if Jeff makes his daily rounds on the web searching for world's most eye-roll-inducing pickup lines, scouring wikipedia how-to's on seduction for that wonderful red cherry on top. A vicious cycle of being forced to show up in hopes of this bastard finally kicking the bucket, only to be greeted by a dimly lit dining room, rose petals strewn about, borderline charred dinner for two paired with a lovely perfumed note of 'I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together' or a 'Do you have a name, or can I call you mine' , once more simply staring at the man in exasperation, the knife he had stabbed himself with, to summon the being still just hanging there. This time however, Jeff was barely conscious, but he's seen worse and so has Death, he'll live. It's work was done here. The pounding headache slowly dies down and as colour returns to Jeff's vision, so does his favourite macabre friend retreat into the shadows. But not before sending a fleeting kiss and motioning with his hands as if saying 'call me'.
Going back to more important matters, he looks out the window to see that the crowd had drawn closer, wouldn't be long before they would be busting his door down, not that impressive of a feat really considering, the castle wasn't the most structurally sound to say the least, the remains of his roof littered all over the cold stony floor a reminder of that very fact. He knew just the person he could turn to in these mildly troubling times. His extremely close friend Chad Chadster. The moment they laid eyes upon each other in that zoo they knew, they were destined to wreak devastation, desolation, destruction till death did them (de)part. Their love for havoc and Asian cuisine unmatched with any other. The problem lay in how to get to his friend's place, a near second home to him from how often he visited and spent nights over. He could always try teleportation, though that did take a considerable amount of skill and Jeff had little to none. The likeliness of his head ending up in a wall, or 60 metres above ground were higher than he would like for the occasion.
He ended up a good 2 metres above the roof. Of his friend no less! Quite successful if he does say so himself. Jumping off without a hassle, pounding upon the door in less than a minute he is greeted with a familiar and beloved face. Chad Chadster's eyes widened in surprise as they landed down on his unexpected guest, his friend's name slipping out of his mouth before near instantly swooping down and enveloping him in a bone-crushing hug, Jeff doing his best to reciprocate. Stepping indoors, not a word needs to be said between the two as Jeff makes himself comfortable in their home, as he has done so countless times. As he turns towards the dining room he spots a familiar setup. Ah, knife monopoly… a classic.
Jeff hadn't even noticed his friend whipping out their favourite game. While Chad wasn't that avid of a risk taker as he was. It was Jeff's excitement and unbridled joy when playing that made up for it in full. He had thought of heating up some of Jeff's favourite Asian dishes as well, but the power had been out for a few hours now and it wasn't quite something that could be done on the gas stove. So, tea it was.
Kettle on the stove, board games on the floor, the vague shouting in the distance that was still somehow going strong, why, it felt serene, near domestic. There were many reasons why Jeff absolutely loved coming over, he nearly has to restrain himself from doing so too often, though he's certain Chad wouldn't really mind.
"In no wae am I complainin' right now, but you don’t usually come by around this time. Somehthin' up?" (druško and I headcanon him as part Irish and who am I to say no to that, but also to every Irish person in existence, i beg on my knees for mercy) Jeff goes on to explain with many lively hand gestures the exhilarating morning he had, as Chad silently pieces the entire story together. See, he too was at the zoo upon the incident. Whether to reminisce about their very first meeting or to simply look around, he couldn't really remember anymore, not that it really mattered. But unlike Jeff it seems, he had one key detail. He looks back at his friend, his brows now mildly furrowed as this morning's story comes to a close. Turns out the short mischief-maker would've been much more delighted by this week's misconduct, if he were actually the one to have the honor of committing one of his top 10 favourite crimes. Alas, he was simply on his way to once more pay a visit to his lovely primate friend, maybe stalk some people again, take some tasteful pictures, when the entire establishment had suddenly been set ablaze. He barely had time to worry for Mendel as everybody instantly knew who to blame, and he was so conveniently at the wrong place at the wrong time.
It wouldn't be the first time that Jeff was the cause of some detrimental natural disaster, intentional or accidental, an earthquake here, a few floods there, a fire wouldn't be too far off of Jeff's calamity bingo card. In fact just last week he met the man himself Chad Chadster, as they proceeded to combust and set aflame a good portion of the zoo. So it really shouldn't have been that big of a surprise all fingers were instantly pointed towards him. Then again he didn't really make an effort to claim his innocence either, simply dashing off with a smile as he caught sight of the first few intense glares sent his way.
Chad himself would've been surprised, had he not been on site, but he knows how absolutely oblivious Jeff could be, and so he tests his hypothesis.
"Wouldn't suppose you noticed the wonderful weather we're having at the moment." Chad was now glancing down at his partner in crime with a bemused expression. A hint at something perhaps?
Oh. Well. Would you look at that. The fire had long gone out by now and Jeff takes a curious glance at his clothing, still somewhat damp from when he frolicked gaily through the town this very morning. Right on time with a flash of lightning barely visible from the tiny attic windows followed by an earth-shattering crack of thunder did he realise. And another just a moment later.
Right.
He was sprinting in the middle of a literal thunderstorm, the rain and thunder a negligible thing he supposes, the water droplets nothing compared to the objects hurled towards him, the roaring thunder muted by the outraged screams and shouts of the people. Yes, a perfectly flawless explanation, completely ignoring the neighbouring tree that had literally been set on fire a mere second ago. That, or he's just extremely bad at noticing his surroundings. Probably the latter.

Later on they would go ahead and properly set something on fire once more, hand in hand <3

Part three: Jeff Jefferson is wanted by the KGB